Comfort & Joy

The holidays are an emotional time - filled with highs and lows. One of my gal pals had a dream fulfilled Christmas morning while another had her heart broken. I have cried, laughed, gotten mad, felt satisfied... And this morning, something different. Just like the song says, I felt comfort and joy.

Not unlike the feeling when you get a swanky new pair of sneakers or platform knee-high boots. They bring a smile to your face and your feet because they look good and feel good.

See, this morning, I saw my future. I mean really saw it with clarity and a pure heart. And it is bright. So bright that it sometimes hurts my eyes from the beauty of it all. And I trust in that vision.

If you open your heart, you can sometimes receive gifts you weren't expecting. And that happened to me... a gift that wasn't just for my feet. It was for my heart and my soul. And that is my New Year's wish for you. I wish you comfort & joy in 2012.

Letter to my Grandparents

Dear Grandaddy and Joan,

I couldn’t let this Christmas pass without telling you how blessed I feel to have you in my life. What an amazing gift to have been loved by not one, but five, grandparents in my lifetime.

As you know, the past year has been one of change and growth for me. I couldn’t have gotten through it without the support and generosity of my family. And you are both at the forefront of that. Thank you so much for giving me the car. You not only made it easier for me to sleep at night, but Stella & Sophie can actually get in and out without a boost!

It is an awesome feeling to be a granddaughter. To know that two people love you no matter what. That they are interested in who you are and what you do. I was so proud to show you both off at my conference this year… and my friends are still talking about you and wishing you well!

So this year I wanted to give you a little something extra. To remind you that I thank God everyday for making us a family.

I hope you enjoy much health and happiness in 2012. And here is to celebrating many more special times together.

All my love,

Messy

Christmas Blessings

Christmas was different last year. I went to church by myself and had my realization about families. I went back to my parents' house for Christmas dinner for the first time in years (as they came to mine when I was married because of the chef who lived with me...) It was a bittersweet time.

This year is no less bittersweet. I have too many blessings to count. Not the least of which is being loved and seeing how bright the future is. But it is hard to be separated from loved ones. Even those you don't feel you know anymore.

But Santa has been beyond good to me. In fact, I don't think I deserve everything he brought me. But I am grateful. The worst is behind me now. I need to focus on the good and try not to belabor the hard times. As I've mentioned before, I am a work in progress, but I am going to try.

So on this Christmas Eve, as I have a glass of wine in front of my tree with my pups, I will be grateful for all that I have lost, found and learned in 2011. Tomorrow, I will cook my first Christmas dinner for my parents and grandparents and hope it is scrumptious. And each day this holiday season and beyond, I will wish you health and happiness and pray for the same.

Merry Christmas!

A Year in Review

This year I lost:

• An Uncle and a Great-Aunt to death
• Another Aunt to her choice
• 50 pairs of shoes
• My nerve at golf
• My married name

This year I found:

• Perspective
• Hope
• 8 unwanted pounds
• My domestic side
• My creative side
• A renewed identity
• A safe place

This year I learned:

• I may not understand people's choices but I have to respect them.
• I am not alone.
• Not always knowing the answer has to be OK sometimes.
• I can trust.
• You can't always gain closure.

I wonder what I will lose, find and learn in 2012...

It's In The Bag

As a professional traveler, I am constantly searching for the perfect suitcase, laptop bag, etc. It is a never ending quest. I have yet to find a bag that can fit my laptop, books, magazines, iTouch, wallet, toiletries, etc. that doesn't look and feel like a complete mess. Either they don't have enough pockets or don't have the right pockets. The bag isn't strong enough or is too bulky. Something so important in my daily life should not be so difficult to find, right?

So I'm hoping this great tote I found on JustFabulous.com will be the answer. If it is, I will promote them and it in airports everywhere. So cross your fingers for me, ok?

And if you are wondering how often I travel, a couple of weeks ago my mother informed me that she and my dad are claiming Stella and Sophie on their tax returns as dependants. It seems they had them for 120 nights in 2011. Sounds like I should be considering a very specific New Year's resolution, don't you think?

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

When I was in NYC with some good friends this summer, the conversation suddenly stopped as I was telling a story over dinner. You have a brother???, asked Sunny. Um, yes, I guess I never talk about him, I responded. I never realized that every time I mention my niece and nephew no one puts two and two together.

The reality is that I do have an older brother. In actuality, I know exactly where he is. But the question remains, where is my brother? About 7 and a half years ago, he left. Just took off and decided he wanted no part of my family. He divorced his wife, moved away from his kids and started a new life. Since, he has remarried, had more kids and does indeed see my niece and nephew. He has also started seeing my parents and grandparents again.

In the last 7+ years I have reached out to him twice. Both times he responded but it never went anywhere. He has missed my grandmother's burial, my grandfather's wedding and 80th birthday, our parents 60th birthdays, my uncle's funeral, my wedding and divorce, never met my pups... the list goes on.

I have gone through the stages of grief. And I've finally gotten to the point where I don't really think about him that often. But the holidays are tough. And now that he is re-engaging with my family and not me, that makes it even tougher. See, the brother I had is gone. The one who I adored gave up on me and walked away from everyone he claimed to love. He has left me holding the bag in good times and in crisis.

I'm sure you are wondering what happened. If I truly understood it, maybe I'd have closure. But the man who shares my blood is a stranger now. He is not the same guy who bought my niece and I matching Winnie the Pooh slippers when she was 1 as a Christmas gift. (Pooh holds a special place in our hearts... well he used to... my brother bought me my first Pooh.)

So if you see him, let him know I'm still here. I'd like to know him again someday.

Where's Mojo?

I know. It has been too long. And I only have one explanation as to why I haven't blogged in two months. I lost my mojo.

Now the good news is I found it. The bad news is it took 2 months. To illustrate how lost it truly was, I ordered these amazing 4 1/2" suede peep toed Mary Jane black and blue BCBG beauties before I lost my mojo. Once it was gone, I felt I didn't NEED them anymore. So I returned them.

Perhaps Santa will bring them back?

P.S. Santa didn't bring them back, but my Bestie and her family did!!! I opened them today and I was in shock. Thank you, thank you, to the best friends in the world!