Messy in Fabulous Shoes

Messy in Fabulous Shoes

Friday, June 22, 2012

Brothers and Sisters

As I sat in mass with my grandparents last Sunday morning, I was touched by the brother and sister in front of me.  She was 13 and he 10 and they were arm in arm, smiling and laughing, for most of the service.  And suddenly I welled up remembering what it was like when I had a brother.  A brother who...
  • Served as my confirmation sponsor
  • Yelled at his buddy when he made a comment that I was "filling out" my eighth grade summer
  • Told me he was proud of me at both my high school and college graduations
  • Invited me to live with him summers during high school and the summer after I graduated college so we could hang and work together (I was cheap labor)
  • Asked me to help his new family settle in when they moved to St. Louis
  • Handed his son to me in the NICU when he was newly born
  • Gave me a job when I decided to move back home in 2001
When I graduated high school, my brother actually gave me one of those charms that say Best Friend and break in half.  We were close...

And now we aren't, as I've shared in an earlier blog.  He is reconnecting with my parents but has not made a move to speak to me.  I haven't seen him in 8 years.  His choice, not mine.

Have I made peace with it?  I'm not sure given the fact that watching a young brother and sister in church made me cry.  And when I hear my mother speak of him I feel a mixture of sadness and anger.  Knowing that someone you loved as much as yourself has suddenly walked away, with no reason and no goodbye, creates a constant emptiness in your heart.  It's like grieving accept they aren't dead.  Although, in a way, I guess they are to you.

But that is why the people I choose to have in my life - my boyfriend, my friends - mean even more to me.  Knowing they are there for me no matter what, even when I screw up or when they screw up, gets me through every day.  So everyday I thank God for the love of my life and my friends.  Thank you, All.  You know who you are.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Balancing Act

I know it has been way too long since I've written and I have no excuse other than I've been lacking inspiration.  Maybe that's because I haven't been shoe shopping...

No, the reality is that I've been keeping my personal life, well, personal.  Not writing about what has been going on with me.  And historically my blog has really been about what is going on - the good, the bad and the ugly.  So I think I have struggled trying to decide what to write.

Because there truly is a balance between bareing your soul and being discreet.  I like to share my story because I think it might help others (at least that's what some have told me) but I also want to honor those who don't want to be "characters" in my life story.

It's like walking in really high heels.  They sometimes look fabulous in the picture but when you put your feet into them, no matter how seasoned of a veteran you are, you may still wobble.  You have to stand tall and convicted in order to pull them off.  Actually, that's pretty true about a lot of life, isn't it?