I hate the unknown. To me, limbo is like a constant state of unknown. When will it end? What can I do to fix this situation? Can I have faith in the realm of not knowing?
For the past 14 months I have been in limbo. It is hard enough when you feel like you are the only one fighting for your marriage. At least you know where you stand. But to be the only one actively participating in a divorce - when you know your spouse doesn't want to be married to you but doesn't want to grant the divorce either - that is a different type of existence. I'm not married yet I'm not divorced. Limbo.
And limbo sucks. Sorry, I can't mince words today. Am I Sharp or am I Radford? I know what I want to be but the state of Virginia hasn't yet agreed. All he had to do was sign the damn papers. He doesn't want me but he doesn't want to give me my freedom. Who is this person I married?
And yet I can't help but correlate my situation to shoes. Take these sling back pumps for example. Are they gold or are they silver? Depends on how the light hits. Kind of like limbo for shoes... not knowing what color they truly are.
And so I wait. Each day I check my email hoping to hear the news. Waiting for good news is one thing. Waiting for bittersweet news is a totally different experience. I never thought I'd be divorced... the same sentiment shared by many divorced people I am sure. Yet I also never thought I'd find out I was married to a complete stranger. But I was. And soon my limbo will hopefully end. I will once again be Melissa Radford, divorcee. Can one find closure without answering the question why? I'm not sure. But at least I will be me again. Whichever me I decide to be. And I will wear these shoes with silver and with gold. After all, the only one who controls who I am and want to be is me, right?