30's Last Night

On the eve of my 40th birthday, I can't help but reflect on who I've been, who I am and who I hope to be. My teen years were spent following the rules.  My 20's were focused on rebelling, taking risks (sometimes really stupid ones) and thinking I knew it all.  My 30's have mostly been spent being who I thought I should be.  Not understanding my true spirit.  Finally learning to stand up for myself and realizing the truth truly can set you free.

And now, as I sit here on the last night before I turn 40, I am thinking about who I want to be.  And it sounds simple:

• A better daughter
• A better girlfriend and partner
• A better friend
• A better citizen
• A better Christian
• A better aunt and Godmother
• A better colleague and employee
• A better listener to those in my life and to my own instincts and heart
• A better mother to Sophie and Stella
• A forgiver
• A mother
• A wife
• A step-mother

If I could change one thing about myself it would be to worry less.  My mother says it is a genetic trait but perhaps I could do it if I trusted myself more.  I'm sure I could do it if I let go of all the loss in my life - loss of loved ones to death, betrayal, delusion and fear.  Loss of self to co-dependence, denial and fear. But somehow it seems that the more I figure myself and life out, the more I worry.  A good friend told me she went through the same thing when she became a mother.  Something about suddenly having everything you want, of finding yourself happy, can cause you to fear the loss of all that is wonderful.

So my hope for the next decade is that I can let go and do better. I know there are things about myself I can't change and that's OK.  It's what makes me me.  But I'd like to do better.  And I'd like to be some new things as well.  I think I have a lot to offer and know I have a lot more to learn.