SURPRISE!!!

Turning 40 is a big deal.  Everybody knows it.  As my big day drew near, people kept asking me what my plans were.  I knew Todd and I were taking the day off and going to dinner but hadn't gotten any further than that.  And my "drinking crew" girlfriends said we would celebrate at our annual cookie swap.  My bestie and I were planning to do lunch at some point and I'd see my family around Christmas. Plus, we had a girls' night out planned to see the Chippenelves.

Chippenelves you ask?  What's a chippenelf? A Chippenelf is a good looking man on whom you and your girlfriends can bid to be your personal butler at Ladies Night Out.  Money raised goes to support CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates for Children) and 4 of us went last year.  There is food, drink, silent and live auctions.  I got a little carried away last year and ended up buying the world's most expensive and hideous wreath.  I was very excited to re-wrap it this year and take it back to the event so some other generous (read competitive at auctions) lady could take it home.

So last Thursday night I was dressed and ready to go!  Amy had the tickets, Mindi was riding with me and our other friends were meeting at the event. Unfortunately, Stacey had a sick child so couldn't go.  When I picked up Mindi she asked if we could drop something off to her husband not far from the venue. Of course! So we rolled up to a restaurant and hopped out to say hi to Jim and be on our way.

"SURPRISE!!!" What?  Holy cow!  I was stunned.  Not only was Mindi's husband Jim in the room but so were my drinking crew friends plus husbands (no, Stacey's daughter wasn't really sick and yes Amy had cashed my CASA ticket to keep me off the surprise scent), my bestie and her husband, my parents, my friends from NC, a former colleague... you get the picture!  And later, other gal pals walked in including those from Chicago and Florida.  Even my CEO braved 2+ hours in the car with two of my girlfriends to be there.  Open bar, great food, an amazing cake made by my friend Heather, a special hat and sash and presents!

I really had no clue this party was happening.  My friends are devious liars! (in a good way) And Todd surprised me beyond anything I could imagine.  I never would picture him planning a party for me.  But he did.  And it was perfect.  And I am the luckiest 40 year old in the world.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Oh, and if you are wondering, the hideous wreath is going to be stored until we next year - we are SO going to see those Chippenelves next Christmas :)

30's Last Night

On the eve of my 40th birthday, I can't help but reflect on who I've been, who I am and who I hope to be. My teen years were spent following the rules.  My 20's were focused on rebelling, taking risks (sometimes really stupid ones) and thinking I knew it all.  My 30's have mostly been spent being who I thought I should be.  Not understanding my true spirit.  Finally learning to stand up for myself and realizing the truth truly can set you free.

And now, as I sit here on the last night before I turn 40, I am thinking about who I want to be.  And it sounds simple:

• A better daughter
• A better girlfriend and partner
• A better friend
• A better citizen
• A better Christian
• A better aunt and Godmother
• A better colleague and employee
• A better listener to those in my life and to my own instincts and heart
• A better mother to Sophie and Stella
• A forgiver
• A mother
• A wife
• A step-mother

If I could change one thing about myself it would be to worry less.  My mother says it is a genetic trait but perhaps I could do it if I trusted myself more.  I'm sure I could do it if I let go of all the loss in my life - loss of loved ones to death, betrayal, delusion and fear.  Loss of self to co-dependence, denial and fear. But somehow it seems that the more I figure myself and life out, the more I worry.  A good friend told me she went through the same thing when she became a mother.  Something about suddenly having everything you want, of finding yourself happy, can cause you to fear the loss of all that is wonderful.

So my hope for the next decade is that I can let go and do better. I know there are things about myself I can't change and that's OK.  It's what makes me me.  But I'd like to do better.  And I'd like to be some new things as well.  I think I have a lot to offer and know I have a lot more to learn.